In August of 2011, Time Magazine ranked Hank Moody as the fourth most desirable person to be that year; etched out of the top spot by the three consistently strong performing contestants God, Dave Mustaine and Batman.
OK so we made that bit up. But, if such a list existed, we’re certain Hank Moody would soar up the rankings by merit of the sheer number of gorgeous women he’s bedded. So while we wile away the time until January and Californication’s fifth season, we decided to bring you Hank’s Ten Hottest Hookups. Enjoy.
10. Chloe Metz
Introduced to Hank by Rock ‘n’ Roll God Lew Ashby, Chloe Metz definitely takes the trophy for the lady with the raunchiest pillow talk. Who could forget this little exchange?
Chloe: Fuck me like I’m al-Qaida!
Hank: I’m declaring Jihad on your pussy!
9. Rosario
Hank bumps into Rosario while taking a leak into Janie Jones’ sink. A few lines of spanglish and a few puffs of Mary Jane later she’s talking Hank out of his jeans.
And while we're on the subject, would it have killed those darn Californication writers to add a bit of gratuitous nudity with dear, sweet Rosario?
8. Felicia Koons
Felicia Koons is a tightly wound English rose if there ever was one. Introduced to the cast as Becca’s best friend’s mother and Hank’s eventual employer, Felicia represents every male fantasy of leading a prim and proper lady astray; a task that Hank is more than equal to.
7. Trixie
Hank first meets Trixie in a bar in the episode California Son. Trying to get over his old man’s passing, Hank tries to pickup Trixie, refusing to believe that she’s a professional. His reasoning being that she’s far too beautiful to be a lady of the night; and we must say we agree.
Hands up those of you who would love to snort a line of coke off this gorgeous lady’s bottom. Or at least chew a line of gummy bears off her.
6. Jackie
Hank enters the world of university lecturing and faces the challenge of keeping his hands off his wordsmith by day, stripper by night student Jackie. A challenge he fails at dismally…if you could call that a fail of course.
Thank God for Jackie…and her rack…and the rest of her.
5. The Nun from the Dream
OK, the girl who inspired this little dream of Hank’s is drop dead gorgeous herself, but throw her in a nun outfit and have her offer Hank a blowjob instead of a bunch of ‘our fathers’ and a couple of hail-Marys’ and you got the perfect bad boy’s fantasy.
4. Abby Rhoads
Hank’s incredibly sexy lawyer from season four not only gets him off the statutory rape charges he faces, but she also gets him off…period.
3. Surfer Girl
Hank first runs into Surfer Girl in the episode Absinthe Makes the Heart Grow Fonder. And despite not making any overt advances on her, a few hours, a bunch of records and a joint later ends up making the sweet love to her.
We’re still debating if the price of a bunch of records and a Les Paul are too steep for a one night stand with a girl as drop-dead as surfer girl.
2. Sasha Bingham
Sasha is enlisted to play Mia (who we’ve refrained from adding to this list because of the moral complications and what not) in the movie remake of Hank’s novel Fucking and Punching and ironically ends up in a complicated pseudo-romance with Hank himself.
In the words of Hank the man himself "Not only does the lady have bodacious ta-ta's she also has splendiferous taste in literature.” ‘Nuff said.
1. KarenIn the words of Hank the man himself "Not only does the lady have bodacious ta-ta's she also has splendiferous taste in literature.” ‘Nuff said.
As loathe as we might be to admit it, we’re pretty sure each and every one of us would root to see Hank get his happily ever after with Karen; despite the obvious repercussions of not being introduced to a whole bunch of other hotties that Hank would otherwise try to fill the gaping void with. Karen is smart, independent, feisty, bull-shit intolerant and just a bit crazy, making her the undoubted number one on our list.
And the honorable mentions
Jill
Hank runs into the intelligent, beautiful and quick witted Jill at a dinner at Felicia and Sandy’s house and soon discovers that she is impervious to his charms…for much longer than most women.
Annika Staley
Only Hank Moody could wet and bed a reporter that not only called him a misogynist asshole, but also gave him one of his worst reviews ever. But with a girl who looks as good as Annika in leather pants and high heel boots, who could blame Hank?
Sonja
Hank has Karen to thank (or blame) for meeting Sonja after she tries to set the two up on a date. A fairly disastrous dinner and embarrassing conversation later, Hank takes on the task of soothing Sonja’s insecurities about her body and herself the only way he knows.
Admit it! Right after Sonja shrugged off her dress the, first thing running through your mind was how great it would be to bang a hot scientologist.
Porsche Sales Lady
Hank meets the lusty brunette Porsche sales lady while splurging his bonus paycheck on a new set of wheels. The sale goes as scripted until she asks him what she has to do to get him into this car; Always a dangerous question to ask a guy like Hank Moody.
Kristine
No man but Hank Moody can be forgiven for falling asleep inside a girl as beautiful as Kristine.
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