If there’s one thing that Hank Moody does better than produce heartbreaking works of staggering literary genius, it’s sweet talk the fairer sex into his heart and out of their clothes. And although the title of this article says the best ‘pickup lines’ the following quotes from Hank really aren’t pickup lines as such, but excerpts of Hank’s conversational poetry that is his most potent weapon in the battle of the sexes. Enjoy.
The situation: Hank pays a visit to the lovely lady (guest starring and quite gorgeous porn star Brooke Banner) with the writing skill that threw him her phone number on a little pink paper aero plane …
Brooke Banner: You think they’re too small? (Referring to her cleavage)Hank: Too small for what?Brooke: I want to make them bigger.Hank: No…they’re absolutely almost perfect in every conceivable titty way.Brooke: What about my lips?Hank: Highly kissable.
She wasn’t referring to those lips
The situation: Lunch at Bill and Karen’s house. Hank is sitting between Mia and Karen’s friend Sonja, who both seem more interested in the dish on Hank’s lap than the ones in front of them...
Hank: It could be worse (Referring to Sonja’s husband leaving her for his assistant Ted)Sonja: Really how so?Hank: Well instead of finding out your husband was gay you could have found out he was Scientologist you know…Sonja: I’m a scientologist HankHank: …Or a Nazi
Hank’s ability to not take himself or anyone or any situation around him too seriously is a vital ingredient in the Moody aphrodisiac.
The situation: Later on in the night, Hank and Sonja retreat to Karen and Bill’s bedroom to share a roll of green…
Sonja: Tell me what you think (Referring to her naked body)Hank: Honestly?Sonja: Yeah honestly. I’m 40 something years old; I don’t have time to play games I need to know the truthHank: Well, your breasts are obviously real… and… eh… you have an abundance of pubic hair, which is really nice and… eh… there’s no evidence of vaginal rejuvenation. I’d say, aside from the fact that you worship a space alien; you just might be the most beautiful woman I’ve seen in a long, long time.
Despite popular notion, compliments do work. When they are sincerely meant and delivered without any ulterior agenda behind them.
The situation: Hank sneaks in a conversation with Meredith while her date visits the men’s room…
Hank: Well do you see yourself marrying this fellow?Meredith: You never know.Hank: Come on, girls know in a matter of seconds whether they wanna fuck, marry, or kill a guy which begs the question; how am I doing??
Not only is this fact true, but it’s also a great line to use if you deliver it correctly.
The situation: Hank visits the grocery store and is briefly interrupted…
Surfer Girl: HeySurfer Girl: Do you know anything about wine?Hank: Wine is fine, but whiskey is quicker…Surfer Girl : Suicide is slow with liquorHank: OuuSurfer Girl: Sabbath!
Hank: Close Ozzy, solo. But nice try
You know you have something special going on for yourself when you’re able to walk away casually from a girl as drop dead gorgeous as Surfer Girl…and she knows it too.
The situation: Surfer Girl and Hank end up at his place (honestly who could be surprised?) and share a spliff while spinning some vinyl…
Hank Moody: What is your name, by the way?
Surfer Girl: Wouldn’t you rather just fuck me and never know?
Hank Moody: Oh, fuck. Who says romance is dead?!
…Not I rabbi!
The situation: Hank and Karen have a rare heart to heart one night at Karen’s…
Hank: You know what I miss most about….. Well, aside from Becca of course. I miss your smell. When you left I didn’t wash the sheets because I didn’t want to lose that completely…you. And it fucked me up for a long time because I would wake up and I’d smell you and I’d think you were there. And my heart would break all over again I think that’s why I go in for the kiss all the time.Karen: Oh yeahHank: Like I’m going for another hitKaren: Have you washed those sheets yetHank: Oh well you know I had to throw them awayKaren: Oh goodHank: This hot little Star Bucks barista got her periods all over themKaren: You’re so fucking disgusting (laughing)Hank: You see! Look at that!Karen: Why do you have to say shit like that!Hank: No! If I can make you laugh like that, why can’t we be together? That’s what I don’t understand.
When it comes down to it, the thing with Hank is that most of what he says is rarely a line. And that spontaneity and almost brazen honesty is what makes him so alluring to women.
The situation: Hank tries to convince Karen to celebrate with him and Becca after he helps get her an architecture gig of a lifetime…
Karen: You hated that place! (referring to their old house in New York)
Hank: Yeah, but you loved it. Just like you love fucked up architecture like this, and David Hockney, and gigantic fucking earrings, and the complete and utter cliché of driving west on Mulholland at sunset. You think I don’t know these things but I do.
Hank: I’m in aren’t I? (Karren Giggles) Oh I’m in.
Hank Moody, quite honestly, could talk a nun into fellating him right smack in the middle of a church…oh wait! He did! Well maybe it was in a dream, but who’d bet their money on the possibility that he couldn’t pull it off in real life?
The situation: Hank nurses a drink in the aftermath of the news of his father’s death and runs into Trixie the hooker…
Trixie: So what are your thoughts on rehab?Hank: Rehab…is for quitters.
It’s true what they say you know…laughter really is the strongest aphrodisiac.
The situation:Hank and Trixie over drinks at the bar...
Trixie: Trixie(When Hank asks her for her name)
Hank: Trixie? That is a terrific name…if you are a hookerTrixie: What makes you think I’m not a hooker?Hank: Well, for one you’re far too beautiful. And secondly, even if you were a street walking cheetah, I would get you to give it to me gratis.
The situation: Hank finally realizes that Trixie is indeed a lady of the night and tries to sweet talk his way out of paying…
Hank: Why don’t we just call it casual sex between consenting adults?Trixie: Why don’t you just pay me and then I’ll be on my wayHank: Because then I’d miss you. You can’t snort a line of coke off a woman’s ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams. It’s not gentlemanly.Truer words were never spoken.
The situation: In the season finale Hank walks over to Karen before her wedding…
Hank: You look incredible…except for the makeup which is a little hookerish. Maybe that’s what you’re going for…I don’t know.
The situation: And Hank breaks the news to Karen that Becca had her first period…
Karen: It wasn’t supposed to be like this! I mean I wasn’t supposed to be marrying some other guy, and you weren’t supposed to flush your fucking career down the toilet, and Becca wasn’t supposed to start her period and have some strange woman show her how to use a tampon for the first time.Hank: All those things that weren't supposed to happen? They happened. But what happens next is up to you.Karen: I’m going through with it HankHank: Then go through with it KarenKaren: I can’t cancel it’s not that simpleHank: I’m not asking you to. I’m not going to make some grand romantic gesture and ruin your wedding day.Karen: You’re not? (sounding almost disappointed) You promise?Hank: I promise. Good luck up there (kisses her and leaves)
And it’s probably this core and ultimate desire in Hank to see Karen happy despite what that happiness might cost him, which causes Karen to jump in the car with him.
Don’t forget to vote for who you think is the more beautiful woman Hank Moody has bedded on the poll on the top left, and don’t be shy about leaving your comments with Hank’s pickup lines you think should have been on the list.
And also if interested, check out Hank’s book God Hates Us All from the Amazon link below because it’s a great read and a must for any Hank Moody fan.
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