The Best Hank Moody Quotes

You're her parent, it's your job to make her feel like she's wrong

2012-01-30T20:21:00.001-08:00

You're her parent, it's your job to make her feel like she's wrong

Douche

2012-01-30T20:15:00.002-08:00

Don't speak ill of my boy when he's not here to defend himself

2012-01-30T20:15:00.000-08:00

Don't speak ill of my boy when he's not here to defend himself

The emotional safe-cracker

2012-01-30T20:14:00.001-08:00

Here's to bending over and taking it Hollywood style

2012-01-30T20:14:00.000-08:00

I could eat

2012-01-30T20:13:00.000-08:00

Fountain of everlasting youth

2012-01-30T00:58:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, I wrote a book

2012-01-27T05:19:00.000-08:00

Have you read Hank's book God Hates Us All yet? If not you can buy the book off Amazon.com by clicking the pic below:

Also, read our book review of God Hates Us All here.

Don't look like that and talk like that

2012-01-26T06:19:00.002-08:00

She be fine as wine

2012-01-26T06:19:00.000-08:00

Respect her coolness

2012-01-26T06:18:00.001-08:00

They actually hate your guts

2012-01-26T06:18:00.000-08:00

Like there's any other way to look at you

2012-01-26T06:16:00.000-08:00

Cali: He, uhm, almost chopped off one of his bodyguards fingers for looking at me in an impure manner.

Hank: Like there's any other way...to look at you

Print bi*ches!

2012-01-24T06:12:00.000-08:00

Is that a dildo in your pocket?

2012-01-24T06:11:00.000-08:00

This is why you can't find a girl

2012-01-24T06:09:00.000-08:00

Fade the f*ck out...

2012-01-24T06:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's better not to touch your dreams

2012-01-23T05:47:00.000-08:00

Kissable cupcakes

2012-01-22T07:08:00.000-08:00

“You have extremely moist lips. They’re like kissable cupcakes. It’s as if Sprinkles and Crumbs got together, made sweet love, and had these delicious little smoochable cupcake babies.”

It's just, you f**ked me in the ass Hank

2012-01-18T23:34:00.000-08:00

Carrie: It's just, you f**ked me in the ass Hank.
Hank: Oh, are we talking metaphorically? Because...
Carrie: No, I gave up the butt for you!

Sneak Previews - Episode 3

2012-01-18T06:09:00.000-08:00

This is Hank Moody, writer slash rapist

2012-01-09T08:10:00.000-08:00

As I recalled it was mish into doggie then segued quite seamlessly into cowgirl

2012-01-09T08:09:00.000-08:00

I'm king of fuck mountain!

2012-01-03T08:42:00.000-08:00

Friends don't let friends bang each other's soul mates

2012-01-02T03:14:00.000-08:00

Eatin' ain't cheatin'

2012-01-02T02:40:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, I wrote a book...

2011-12-24T23:41:00.000-08:00

Like a well hung gnat

2011-12-23T18:54:00.000-08:00

Hank's Letter to Becca

2011-12-22T19:47:00.000-08:00

To my dear beautiful daughter,

I'm writing you a letter.That's right - a good old fashioned letter. It's a lost art really, ~~like handjobs~~.

I have a confession to make. I didn't like you very much at first. You were just this annoying little blob; you smelled nice, most of the time. But you didn't seem to have much interest in me, which I of course found vaguely insulting. It was just you and your mum against the world; funny how some things never change.

So I cruised along doing my thing, acting the fool, not really understanding how being a parent changes you. And I don't remember the exact moment everything changed, I just know that it did. One minute I was impenetrable, nothing could touch me. The next, my heart was somehow beating outside my chest, exposed to the elements. Loving you has been the most profound, intense, painful experience of my life. In fact, it's been almost too much to bear. As your father, I made a silent vow to protect you from the world, never realizing I was the one who would end up hurting you the most. When I flash forward my heart breaks. Mostly because I can't imagine you speaking of me with any sort of pride. How could you? Your father is a child in a man's body. He cares for nothing and everything at the same time. Noble in thought - weak in action.

Something has to change...something has to give.

It's getting dark...too dark to see...

Here's to mothers who drink with strangers.

2011-12-22T19:33:00.000-08:00

Blackhemian

2011-12-22T19:32:00.000-08:00

You smell like pussy

2011-12-22T19:29:00.001-08:00

You ladies really are the most amazing creatures

2011-12-21T20:19:00.000-08:00

"I'm never really all that interested, but I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway. 'Cause it's true, all women are, in one way or another. You know, there's always something about every damn one of you, it's a smile, a curve, a secret. You ladies really are the most amazing creatures, my life's work."

You know it's true what they say about pot...

2011-12-21T20:08:00.000-08:00

"You know it's true what they say about pot, it's very much a gateway drug. And it can be a gateway to some pretty cool things, but it can also lead to poverty, despair, stunted adolescence, man breasts."

She likes it in the pooper

2011-12-21T19:57:00.000-08:00

Hank Moody: Funky back-tat on the small of the back there, you know what that means.

Charlie: No

Hank Moody: She likes it in the pooper.

Charlie: Really?

Hank Moody: I have no idea, I just wanted to say pooper.

Hank's Letter to Karen

2011-12-20T19:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Karen,

If you’re reading this it means I actually worked up the courage to mail it, so good for me. You don’t know me very well but if you get me started I have a tendency to go on and on about how hard the writing is for me. But this, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write.

There’s no easy way to say this so I’ll just say it, I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn’t looking for it, it wasn’t on the make, it was a perfect storm. She said one thing, I said another, next thing I knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there’s this feeling in my gut she might be the one. She’s completely nuts in a way that makes me smile, highly neurotic with a great deal of maintenance required, she is you, Karen. That’s the good news.

The bad is I don’t know how to be with you right now. And that scares the shit out of me. Because if I’m not with you right now, I have this feeling that we’ll get lost out there. It’s a big, bad world full of twists and turns. And people have a way of blinking and missing the moment. The moment that could have changed everything. I don’t know what’s going on with us, and I can’t tell you why you should waste the leap of faith on the likes of me, but damn you smell good. Like home. And you make excellent coffee. That’s got to count for something right?

Call me.

Unfaithfully yours,

Hank Moody.

I’m a better father than I thought

2011-12-20T19:07:00.000-08:00

Becca: Do you remember what you used to do for me when I couldn’t sleep?
Hank : Dose you with opiates?
Becca: No. Look at the ocean and count mermaids.
Hank : I did do that. I’m a better father than I thought.

Rehab is for Quitters

2011-12-20T19:04:00.000-08:00

Never stick a finger up a grown man’s ass without warning

2011-12-16T02:49:00.000-08:00

Hank is going to hell.

2011-12-16T02:46:00.000-08:00

There is no life without love

2011-12-13T03:44:00.000-08:00

If she loves you, she'll forgive you

2011-12-13T03:36:00.000-08:00

"No matter what you did, don’t give up. Do not give up. Because if she loves you, she’ll forgive you."

Things fall apart. They break. That's life

2011-12-13T03:34:00.002-08:00

You can’t blame everything on the economy, douche bag.

2011-12-12T18:58:00.000-08:00

I may be easy, but I’m not sleazy.

2011-12-12T06:10:00.000-08:00

One does not very easily forget the kiss of a beautiful woman

2011-12-11T19:48:00.000-08:00

"We needn’t ever speak of it again but one does not very easily forget the kiss of a beautiful woman. That’s right. I said it. I meant it. I’m here to represent it."

Life's just too fucking boring not to try

2011-12-11T04:57:00.000-08:00

A Morning of Awkwardness

2011-12-11T04:56:00.000-08:00

BRB

2011-12-09T20:22:00.000-08:00

It's true, I am kind of retarded...

2011-12-09T19:24:00.000-08:00

It ain't easy being me

2011-12-09T18:52:00.000-08:00

I’ve lost a lot of battles, but I’ve never lost sight of the war.

2011-12-07T06:21:00.000-08:00

“I’ve lost a lot of battles, but I’ve never lost sight of the war. My goal is to fight my way to a day when we’re old and gray and she looks at me and says ‘I’m glad you never gave up.’ Until then, I fight. No retreat, baby. No surrender.”

Wine is fine, but whiskey's quicker

2011-12-07T04:24:00.000-08:00

I won't go down in history. But I will go down on your sister

2011-12-06T23:37:00.000-08:00

Some of My Favorite Humans are Sluts

2011-12-06T09:54:00.000-08:00

I'm Declaring Jihad on Your Pussy!

2011-12-06T01:11:00.000-08:00

I Love Women. I Have All Their Albums

2011-12-06T01:10:00.000-08:00

The Little Man on the Boat

2011-12-06T01:08:00.000-08:00

Revenge is a Dish Best Served with My Dick

2011-12-05T23:43:00.000-08:00

Hank's Ten Hottest Hookups

2011-11-16T00:20:00.000-08:00

In August of 2011, Time Magazine ranked Hank Moody as the fourth most desirable person to be that year; etched out of the top spot by the three consistently strong performing contestants God, Dave Mustaine and Batman.

OK so we made that bit up. But, if such a list existed, we’re certain Hank Moody would soar up the rankings by merit of the sheer number of gorgeous women he’s bedded. So while we wile away the time until January and Californication’s fifth season, we decided to bring you Hank’s Ten Hottest Hookups. Enjoy.

10. Chloe Metz

Introduced to Hank by Rock ‘n’ Roll God Lew Ashby, Chloe Metz definitely takes the trophy for the lady with the raunchiest pillow talk. Who could forget this little exchange?

Chloe: Fuck me like I’m al-Qaida!

Hank: I’m declaring Jihad on your pussy!

9. Rosario

Hank bumps into Rosario while taking a leak into Janie Jones’ sink. A few lines of spanglish and a few puffs of Mary Jane later she’s talking Hank out of his jeans.

And while we're on the subject, would it have killed those darn Californication writers to add a bit of gratuitous nudity with dear, sweet Rosario?

8. Felicia Koons

Felicia Koons is a tightly wound English rose if there ever was one. Introduced to the cast as Becca’s best friend’s mother and Hank’s eventual employer, Felicia represents every male fantasy of leading a prim and proper lady astray; a task that Hank is more than equal to.

7. Trixie

Hank first meets Trixie in a bar in the episode California Son. Trying to get over his old man’s passing, Hank tries to pickup Trixie, refusing to believe that she’s a professional. His reasoning being that she’s far too beautiful to be a lady of the night; and we must say we agree.

Hands up those of you who would love to snort a line of coke off this gorgeous lady’s bottom. Or at least chew a line of gummy bears off her.

6. Jackie

Hank enters the world of university lecturing and faces the challenge of keeping his hands off his wordsmith by day, stripper by night student Jackie. A challenge he fails at dismally…if you could call that a fail of course.

Thank God for Jackie…and her rack…and the rest of her.

5. The Nun from the Dream

OK, the girl who inspired this little dream of Hank’s is drop dead gorgeous herself, but throw her in a nun outfit and have her offer Hank a blowjob instead of a bunch of ‘our fathers’ and a couple of hail-Marys’ and you got the perfect bad boy’s fantasy.

4. Abby Rhoads

Hank’s incredibly sexy lawyer from season four not only gets him off the statutory rape charges he faces, but she also gets him off…period.

3. Surfer Girl

Hank first runs into Surfer Girl in the episode Absinthe Makes the Heart Grow Fonder. And despite not making any overt advances on her, a few hours, a bunch of records and a joint later ends up making the sweet love to her.

We’re still debating if the price of a bunch of records and a Les Paul are too steep for a one night stand with a girl as drop-dead as surfer girl.

2. Sasha Bingham

Sasha is enlisted to play Mia (who we’ve refrained from adding to this list because of the moral complications and what not) in the movie remake of Hank’s novel Fucking and Punching and ironically ends up in a complicated pseudo-romance with Hank himself.
In the words of Hank the man himself "Not only does the lady have bodacious ta-ta's she also has splendiferous taste in literature.” ‘Nuff said.

1. Karen

As loathe as we might be to admit it, we’re pretty sure each and every one of us would root to see Hank get his happily ever after with Karen; despite the obvious repercussions of not being introduced to a whole bunch of other hotties that Hank would otherwise try to fill the gaping void with. Karen is smart, independent, feisty, bull-shit intolerant and just a bit crazy, making her the undoubted number one on our list.

And the honorable mentions

Jill

Hank runs into the intelligent, beautiful and quick witted Jill at a dinner at Felicia and Sandy’s house and soon discovers that she is impervious to his charms…for much longer than most women.

Annika Staley

Only Hank Moody could wet and bed a reporter that not only called him a misogynist asshole, but also gave him one of his worst reviews ever. But with a girl who looks as good as Annika in leather pants and high heel boots, who could blame Hank?

Sonja

Hank has Karen to thank (or blame) for meeting Sonja after she tries to set the two up on a date. A fairly disastrous dinner and embarrassing conversation later, Hank takes on the task of soothing Sonja’s insecurities about her body and herself the only way he knows.

Admit it! Right after Sonja shrugged off her dress the, first thing running through your mind was how great it would be to bang a hot scientologist.

Porsche Sales Lady

Hank meets the lusty brunette Porsche sales lady while splurging his bonus paycheck on a new set of wheels. The sale goes as scripted until she asks him what she has to do to get him into this car; Always a dangerous question to ask a guy like Hank Moody.

Kristine

No man but Hank Moody can be forgiven for falling asleep inside a girl as beautiful as Kristine.

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The Best Californication Quotes...In General

2011-11-15T19:14:00.000-08:00

Well we have about a month and a half to go before we get back into Californication's 5th season, so we thought that we might as well suffer a bout of nostalgia with the best lines delivered by characters other than our rock-star-without-a-band writer Hank.

Charlie

I like me a big girl. Yeah, before marcy here, Most of my girlfriends were somewhat zaftig.

Big and getable – that’s the way i liked ‘em.

Faced with a severe vaginal drought – men will be men, boys will do boys.

I’m King of Fuck Mountain!

There’s a limit to how much someone can get fucked in the ass without getting paid for it!

You have owed your publisher a book since Becca was breast-feeding. I remember because I used to like to watch Karen do that.

Karen

You don’t want to be with me. You think… I know you think you do. But if I were to give myself to you, you would run for the hills, ’cause you’re not in love with me. You’re in love with the idea… The idea of love.

And that’s the thing with you, Hank. One never knows what to expect from you or your dong.

You smell like pussy.

[to Abby] I think the world sees Hank as this fabulous fuckup and, uhm, I know that guy, I've spent a lot of time with that guy, but I am better acquainted with the other guy. The one that listens and hears everything. The one that looks at you and sees right into your soul. The one that makes you believe in every fucking fairytale that you've ever been told. Ultimately I may not even be the one who gets to enjoy the man that I know he can be, but I still want the best for him because I want the best for my daughter.

Marcy

Put down those shuffleboard sticks. Marcy’s coming to suck your dicks!

Let’s party while this bitch can still get wet.

Once you see the love of your life get hit in the face with another woman’s ejaculate… your perspective changes.

You don’t deny your man the ass. You give it to him. Because once he knows he can have that… he ain’t gonna want that shit anymore.

Do you know how hard it is to get a girl off? It is like disconnecting a bomb. I mean, there’s all these wires and shit down there. Who knows which one you’re supposed to cross or pull. Plus, the studies show that the female orgasm is, like, what, 99% mental. Who has time for that?!

You can either cry like a bitch or smack a bitch. So smack a bitch!

Becca

Sometimes burps smell worse than farts.

There is no right or wrong, just the consequences of your actions.

[On Hank] He is who he is, Mom. You knew that when you jumped into the car with us. If you’re worried you made a mistake, that’s not his fault. You have to love him for who he is,not his potential.

Father? Can I ask you something? Why is there a naked lady in your bedroom? There’s no hair on her vagina. Do you think she’s okay?

Mia

Right, there you were, just minding your own business, walking down Abbot Kinney when your dick fell in me. Oopsie.

Well, maybe I’m in the minority here, but I just don’t think there’s anything sick and wrong about a little fucking and punching between consenting adults

Lew Ashby

[To Becca] It’s gonna take that dude 15 years before he realises what he’s missing. He’s missing a lot, because you’re fucking magic. If that’s too long to wait, I can get Lemmy from Motorhead to cut off his cheeks with a straight razor.

You can’t stop a girl fight. You might accidentally hit one of them.

Life’s just too fucking boring not to try, OK?

Some of my favorite humans are sluts.

One girl, two cocks, ultimate showdown.

The chorus is the verse.

Be my Boswell

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Hank Moody's Best Pickup Lines - Season 1

2011-08-24T08:43:00.000-07:00

If there’s one thing that Hank Moody does better than produce heartbreaking works of staggering literary genius, it’s sweet talk the fairer sex into his heart and out of their clothes. And although the title of this article says the best ‘pickup lines’ the following quotes from Hank really aren’t pickup lines as such, but excerpts of Hank’s conversational poetry that is his most potent weapon in the battle of the sexes. Enjoy.

The situation: Hank pays a visit to the lovely lady (guest starring and quite gorgeous porn star Brooke Banner) with the writing skill that threw him her phone number on a little pink paper aero plane …

Brooke Banner: You think they’re too small? (Referring to her cleavage)
Hank: Too small for what?
Brooke: I want to make them bigger.
Hank: No…they’re absolutely almost perfect in every conceivable titty way.
Brooke: What about my lips?
Hank: Highly kissable.

She wasn’t referring to those lips

The situation: Lunch at Bill and Karen’s house. Hank is sitting between Mia and Karen’s friend Sonja, who both seem more interested in the dish on Hank’s lap than the ones in front of them...

Hank: It could be worse (Referring to Sonja’s husband leaving her for his assistant Ted)
Sonja: Really how so?
Hank: Well instead of finding out your husband was gay you could have found out he was Scientologist you know…
Sonja: I’m a scientologist Hank
Hank: …Or a Nazi

Hank’s ability to not take himself or anyone or any situation around him too seriously is a vital ingredient in the Moody aphrodisiac.

The situation: Later on in the night, Hank and Sonja retreat to Karen and Bill’s bedroom to share a roll of green…

Sonja: Tell me what you think (Referring to her naked body)
Hank: Honestly?
Sonja: Yeah honestly. I’m 40 something years old; I don’t have time to play games I need to know the truth
Hank: Well, your breasts are obviously real… and… eh… you have an abundance of pubic hair, which is really nice and… eh… there’s no evidence of vaginal rejuvenation. I’d say, aside from the fact that you worship a space alien; you just might be the most beautiful woman I’ve seen in a long, long time.

Despite popular notion, compliments do work. When they are sincerely meant and delivered without any ulterior agenda behind them.

The situation: Hank sneaks in a conversation with Meredith while her date visits the men’s room…

Hank: Well do you see yourself marrying this fellow?
Meredith: You never know.
Hank: Come on, girls know in a matter of seconds whether they wanna fuck, marry, or kill a guy which begs the question; how am I doing??

Not only is this fact true, but it’s also a great line to use if you deliver it correctly.

The situation: Hank visits the grocery store and is briefly interrupted…

Surfer Girl: Hey

Hank: Yikes
Surfer Girl: Do you know anything about wine?
Hank: Wine is fine, but whiskey is quicker…
Surfer Girl : Suicide is slow with liquor
Hank: Ouu
Surfer Girl: Sabbath!

Hank: Close Ozzy, solo. But nice try

You know you have something special going on for yourself when you’re able to walk away casually from a girl as drop dead gorgeous as Surfer Girl…and she knows it too.

The situation: Surfer Girl and Hank end up at his place (honestly who could be surprised?) and share a spliff while spinning some vinyl…

Hank Moody: What is your name, by the way?
Surfer Girl: Wouldn’t you rather just fuck me and never know?
Hank Moody: Oh, fuck. Who says romance is dead?!

…Not I rabbi!

The situation: Hank and Karen have a rare heart to heart one night at Karen’s…

Hank: You know what I miss most about….. Well, aside from Becca of course. I miss your smell. When you left I didn’t wash the sheets because I didn’t want to lose that completely…you. And it fucked me up for a long time because I would wake up and I’d smell you and I’d think you were there. And my heart would break all over again I think that’s why I go in for the kiss all the time.
Karen: Oh yeah
Hank: Like I’m going for another hit
Karen: Have you washed those sheets yet
Hank: Oh well you know I had to throw them away
Karen: Oh good
Hank: This hot little Star Bucks barista got her periods all over them
Karen: You’re so fucking disgusting (laughing)
Hank: You see! Look at that!
Karen: Why do you have to say shit like that!
Hank: No! If I can make you laugh like that, why can’t we be together? That’s what I don’t understand.

When it comes down to it, the thing with Hank is that most of what he says is rarely a line. And that spontaneity and almost brazen honesty is what makes him so alluring to women.

The situation: Hank tries to convince Karen to celebrate with him and Becca after he helps get her an architecture gig of a lifetime…

Karen: You hated that place! (referring to their old house in New York)

Hank: Yeah, but you loved it. Just like you love fucked up architecture like this, and David Hockney, and gigantic fucking earrings, and the complete and utter cliché of driving west on Mulholland at sunset. You think I don’t know these things but I do.

Hank: I’m in aren’t I? (Karren Giggles) Oh I’m in.

Hank Moody, quite honestly, could talk a nun into fellating him right smack in the middle of a church…oh wait! He did! Well maybe it was in a dream, but who’d bet their money on the possibility that he couldn’t pull it off in real life?

The situation: Hank nurses a drink in the aftermath of the news of his father’s death and runs into Trixie the hooker…

Trixie: So what are your thoughts on rehab?
Hank: Rehab…is for quitters.

It’s true what they say you know…laughter really is the strongest aphrodisiac.

The situation:Hank and Trixie over drinks at the bar...

Trixie: Trixie(When Hank asks her for her name)

Hank: Trixie? That is a terrific name…if you are a hooker
Trixie: What makes you think I’m not a hooker?
Hank: Well, for one you’re far too beautiful. And secondly, even if you were a street walking cheetah, I would get you to give it to me gratis.

The situation: Hank finally realizes that Trixie is indeed a lady of the night and tries to sweet talk his way out of paying…

Hank: Why don’t we just call it casual sex between consenting adults?
Trixie: Why don’t you just pay me and then I’ll be on my way
Hank: Because then I’d miss you. You can’t snort a line of coke off a woman’s ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams. It’s not gentlemanly.
Truer words were never spoken.

The situation: In the season finale Hank walks over to Karen before her wedding…

Hank: You look incredible…except for the makeup which is a little hookerish. Maybe that’s what you’re going for…I don’t know.

The situation: And Hank breaks the news to Karen that Becca had her first period…

Karen: It wasn’t supposed to be like this! I mean I wasn’t supposed to be marrying some other guy, and you weren’t supposed to flush your fucking career down the toilet, and Becca wasn’t supposed to start her period and have some strange woman show her how to use a tampon for the first time.
Hank: All those things that weren't supposed to happen? They happened. But what happens next is up to you.
Karen: I’m going through with it Hank
Hank: Then go through with it Karen
Karen: I can’t cancel it’s not that simple
Hank: I’m not asking you to. I’m not going to make some grand romantic gesture and ruin your wedding day.
Karen: You’re not? (sounding almost disappointed) You promise?
Hank: I promise. Good luck up there (kisses her and leaves)

And it’s probably this core and ultimate desire in Hank to see Karen happy despite what that happiness might cost him, which causes Karen to jump in the car with him.

Don’t forget to vote for who you think is the more beautiful woman Hank Moody has bedded on the poll on the top left, and don’t be shy about leaving your comments with Hank’s pickup lines you think should have been on the list.

And also if interested, check out Hank’s book God Hates Us All from the Amazon link below because it’s a great read and a must for any Hank Moody fan.

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How to Dress Like Hank Moody

2011-08-15T10:19:00.000-07:00

Hank Moody is a prime example of a man that can unfailingly pull of a simple dress code and still look good as hell. Like he himself says, he has a uniform and it works. And while the fashion critics in Milan and Paris might not rave over his elegant sense of dress, even they won't be able to deny the fact that there's a rugged and simplistic beauty to the Moody look, that coupled with his devil-may-care outlook, gets him where he needs to be.

Today we go over the essentials of emulating Hank's Style. A point to remember though, is that to really be able to pull off this look, you honestly have to be confident and nonchalant enough to walk to the local grocery in your shirt and boxers.

The Plain Navy Blue/Black t-shirt.

From the dinner table to the bedroom; this is a Hank Moody wardrobe staple.

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The Plain Black Slim Fit Shirt

Another Hank Moody essential, the black slim fitted shirt ads a touch of class and sophistication to Hank's look. But the lazily rolled up cuffs and open buttons maintain his don't really give a damn vibe.

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Plain Straight-cut Jeans

Hank doesn't seem to fussy about the jeans he wears. And seeing as they spend more time on the bedroom floor than on him, you can't blame the man. Plain dark blue straight-cut jeans are the Hank Moody way to go.

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Boots

A man that needs to get around as much as Hank does needs some heavy duty footwear. And you can't go wrong with a solid pair of black or dark brown boots.

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Suede Jacket

When a more formal occasion comes a-calling, Hank Manages to look sophisticated yet retain the bad boy charm with his rugged suede jackets.

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The Occasional Leather Jacket

Not only does the man have great taste in rock and roll, but he could also share a drink with Lemmy Kilmister and not be embarrassed halfway. So it's natural that Hank goes Hell Bent for Leather on occasion.

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The Shades

To either shield his eyes from the harsh California sun or to mask the tell-tale signs of a hangover, Hank Moody rocks a simple pair of black shades.

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God Hates Us All - Hank Moody - Book Review

2011-08-01T00:46:00.000-07:00

I've never really been a huge fan of spending my hours in front of the so called idiot box. But when I sat down to watch the pilot of Californication and saw the very first scene of a nun doing her own rendition of Madonna's Like a Prayer, I knew that this was one T.V series that I probably couldn't afford to not watch.

And for all of us that love our drinks strong, our women pretty, our rock n roll heavy and our writers eloquent, over the past four seasons of Californication, the mind of Hank Moody has become not just an incredibly fascinating stage of unconventional romance, comedy and tragedy, but also an almost cathartic refuge in a world where the voices on television prattle the cliche at best and mundane at worst.

In fact, for those us who recognize and understand the sublime behind the seemingly endless stream of whiskey, weed and women that Hank Moody seems to willingly drown in, the underlying story of a man battling his inner and outer demons in a world where everyone is a victim of fate, makes his character all the more endearing.

So it's no surprise that when I found out that Showtime had decided to actually release Hank's fictional Gatsby "God Hates Us All" as a real life novel, that I rushed to get my hands on it faster than an eight year old girl who just heard about the new Justin Beiber Barbie.

And I must say that the $10.20 spent on the book was worth every cent. It might not be as profound as something Gorge Orwell might have written, nor as eloquent as an Oscar Wilde, but "God Hates Us All" is a literary masterpiece in its own right.

Set years before Hank's move to the City of Angels, the novel chronicles Hank's early years as a college dropout turned accidental drug dealer in search of love, lust and whatever else he can get in a city that is apathetic and unforgiving. The story is fast paced, but fluid as it moves from stories of Hank being stabbed by a borderline-psychopath girlfriend after refusing to let her blow him, to tragic misadventures in Hank's pursuit of love and a rock star's girlfriend. And while I don't want to ruin the read for you by shedding light on any more anecdotes, I will say that while the book is full of sex, drugs and rock n roll, it also has a deep and striking message that reveals itself in the books abrupt but poignant ending. All in all, it's a great read for anyone looking for a book they can pick up during breakfast and put down during dinner and be left with a significant amount of life's wisdom. And needless to say it's a must read for any Californication and Hank Moody fan.

Get your own copy of God Hates Us All from Amazon.com:

Hank's Letter to Becca

2011-06-18T20:26:00.000-07:00

One of the most poetic and touching moments from Californication's Season Four.

To my dear beautiful daughter,

I’m writing you a letter. That’s right, a good old fashioned letter. It’s a lost art, really. I have a confession to make. I didn’t like you very much at first. You were just this annoying little blob. You smelled nice, most of the time, but you didn’t seem to have much interest in me, which I of course found vaguely insulting. It was just you and your mom against the world. Funny how some things never change.

So I cruised along, doing my thing, acting the fool… Not really understanding how being a parent changes you. And I don’t remember the exact moment everything changed, I just know that it did. One minute I was impenetrable, nothing could touch me. The next, my heart was somehow beating outside my chest, exposed to the elements.

Loving you has been the most profound, intense, painful experience of my life. In fact, it’s been almost too much to bear. As your father, I made a silent vow to protect you from the world, never realizing I was the one who would end up hurting you the most. When I flash forward, my heart breaks, mostly because I can’t imagine you speaking of me with any sort of pride. How could you?

Your father is a child in a man’s body. He cares for nothing and everything at the same time. Noble in thought, weak in action. Something has to change. Something has to give. It’s getting dark, too dark to see.

The Best of Season 4

2011-06-17T07:57:00.000-07:00

Abby: I think I'm actually seeing some of that Hank Moody mojo up close and personal.
Hank: Is my dong out?

Hank: Revenge is a dish best served with my d**k.

Sasha: Once you f**ked my mother my vagina pretty much sealed right up.
Hank: So you're like a Barbi now?

Abby: Oh my god you're so generous and sweet.
Hank: Yeah I know I'm going to make some White Power guy an excellent bitch.

Movie Karen: Why does he love her so much? I mean what is it about her?
Hank: I don't know. I don't think I've ever known. I think sometimes you get it right the first time and then it defines your life. It becomes who you are.

Hank: I'll always be buzzing around like a gnat, like a well-hung gnat, with a dream.

Becca: Dad do we look like the kind of girls who are into American Idol?
Hank: No not so much, actually you like girls who would hurt girls who were into American Idol.

Hank: It's true I am kind of retarded, but I'm also kind of amazing.

Abby: I'm obviously far too old for you.
Hank: No see that's where you're wrong, I like me a mature woman. Gross feet, stretch marks, nipple hair I did that s**t, dig it all. Love that s**t, not that you have any of that s**t, stuff.

The Best of Hank Moody - Video

2011-06-14T22:27:00.000-07:00

Collection 2

2010-02-24T19:51:00.000-08:00

The Best Hank Moody Quotes According to Pop Culture Fan

“To quote The Clash, should I stay or should I rock the casbah?”

“You can’t snort a line of coke off a woman’s ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it’s not gentlemanly. ”

“You’re looking at me like I just finger-banged your cat.”

“Oh, look at the time…. The big hand says F**k, and the little hand says Off….. Good thing there’s not a second hand. I’m goin’ in.”

“I won’t go down in history, but I will go down on your sister.”

“I love women. I have all their albums.”

“A morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness..”

“Well, you should’ve called. I wouldn’t have answered, but you coulda left a message, which I would’ve quickly erased.”

“Oh, and it’d be nice if I could fellate myself while farting the White album, but I haven’t quite mastered that yet.”

“You sure you don’t have a grabass appointment with an alter boy?”

“What did I do? I handled the f*** outta that shit!”

“Consider yourself defiled..”

“Rectum… Damn near killed ‘em..”

“A BRONER!!! An unintentional male inspired b*ner.. thats the word I’m looking for”

“Life is too short to dance with fat girls”

“I consider that whole area, general area, like from my knees to my nipples… cock.”

Hank Moody: Funky back-tat on the small of the back there, you know what that means.

Charlie: No

Hank Moody: She likes it in the pooper.

Charlie: Really?

Hank Moody: I have no idea, I just wanted to say pooper.

“Just because something is bleak doesn’t necessarily make it true.”

“It’s not your fault. I’m like fly paper for the emotionally disturbed.”

Trixie: So what are your thoughts of rehab?

Hank Moody: Rehab is for quitters.

“Do we think the ladies have gone too far with the sex positive feminism? I mean I know they’re all down with the pornography and the shaved pudenda and what not, but do we really think this is the path to liberation?”

“Are you sexually harassing me right now? Because if you are, I think I’m going to have to report you – for giving me a serious boner.”

“She’s not much one for chatting – texting, yes – twittering, tweeting, twatting, staring solemnly at the old man. ”

“Wine is fine but whisky’s quicker”

“Oh, I don´t know.. I thought I´d start the day with some dry toast and half a grapefruit,maybe go for a run or maybe I´ll just jerk off and go back to bed”

“Women know within the first few seconds of meeting a guy whether they want to marry him, fuck him or kill him.”

“I probably won’t go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. While I’m down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I’m not talking about a huge 70’s playboy bush or anything, just something that reminds me I’m performing cunnalingus on an adult.”

“I’m declaring a jihad on your pussy!”

Hank: Don’t you remember I’m an asshole ?

Meredith: I’m an attorney

Hank: Oh, then we’re both assholes.

“Instead of finding out your husband was gay, you could’ve found out he was a Scientologist…or a Nazi. Or Al-Qaeda. See that’s what I love about LA. It’s the diversity.”

“It might be nice if I could fellate myself while farting ‘The White Album’ but I haven’t quite been able to master that yet.”

“Your assistant makes me want to touch myself in a bad place”

Becca: Dad, are you ok?

Hank: No, but i’m working on it

“I love you Karen…and I want to spend the rest of my life annoying the shit out of you.”

Hank into mirror: “Nobody likes you ..you are ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile you fuckin’ douche.”

“….and as my family moves on, I drown in a sea of pointless pussy.”

“You kicked my dick out of the house. You made my dick homeless. And out of doors is a place where penises don’t generally fare well. So my homeless dick now must seek shelter where and whence it can.”

Charlie: “You’ve owed your publisher a book since Becca was breastfeeding. I remember this because I used to watch.”

Hank: “Kiss my black ass”

“That’s right, I said it, I meant it, I’m here to represent it.”

“Your mouth tastes like a hobo’s taint.”

“I have found that the back tat is the watermark of the promiscuous.”

“She takes after her mother. The make-up and the slutty clothes.”

“How can you be so fucking beautiful and so fucking wrong?”

“All those things that weren’t supposed to happen? They happened. What happens next is up to you.”

“Could I get a jumbo order of what the fuck were you thinking”

“I went there to kick his ass, and I stayed to soak up his wisdom.”

“Hey, it’s you isn’t it, I made a mess of your bush this morning.”

The Best of Hank Moody - Seasons 1 and 2

2010-02-11T19:51:00.000-08:00

The 15 Most Memorable Quotes of Hank Moody

15.

Hank: “A BRONER!!! An unintentional male inspired boner.. that’s the word I’m looking for”

14.

Hank: Yo K-Fed, the little man in the boat, he’s up here! That’s where he is [demonstrates]. Right here.

13.

Hank: To quote The Clash, should I stay or should I rock the casbah?

12.

Julian: I like to think of myself as more of a creative midwife.
Hank: Oh, well I like to think of myself as having a twelve-inch cock, but it doesn’t make it so. Two inches shy!

11.

Hank: “B” to the “I” to the double “L”. What’s up, my nig nog?
Bill: I need to talk to you.
Hank: Well, you should have called. I wouldn’t have answered, but you could’ve left a message, which I would have quickly erased.

10.

Becca: Do you remember what you used to do for me when I couldn’t sleep?
Hank : Dose you with opiates?
Becca: No. Look at the ocean and count mermaids.
Hank : I did do that. I’m a better father than I thought.

9.

Hank Moody: What is your name, by the way?
Surfer Girl: Wouldn’t you rather just fuck me and never know?
Hank Moody: Oh, fuck. Who says romance is dead?!

8.

Hank : You can’t snort a line of coke off a woman’s ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams. It’s not gentlemanly.

7.

Chloe Metz: Fuck me like I’m Al-Qaeda!
Hank : I’m declaring Jihad on your pussy.

6.

Hank: It’s my purgatory, really, inner drinks, whatever. I’m never really all that interested, but I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway. ‘Cause it’s true, all women are, in one way or another. You know, there’s always something about every damn one of you, it’s a smile, a curve, a secret. You ladies really are the most amazing creatures, my life’s work. But then there’s the morning after, a hangover, and the realization that I’m not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. And then she’s gone, and I’m haunted by yet another road not taken.

5.

Hank: (talking about Janie) If she loves you, she’ll forgive you.
Lew: You really mean that?
Hank: I have to, otherwise there’s no point. There is no life without love. None worth having anyway.

4.

Hank: You know what I miss most about….. Well, aside from Becca of course. I miss your smell.

Karen: That’s it?

Hank: When you left I didn’t wash the sheets because I didn’t want to lose that completely…you. And it fucked me up for a long time because I would wake up and I’d smell you and I’d think you were there. And my heart would break all over again.

3.

Hell-A Magazine blog number 1. Hank hates you all. A few things I’ve learned on my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One, a morning of awkwardness is better than a night of loneliness. Two, I probably won’t go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. And 3, while I’m down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I’m not talking about a huge 70’s Playboy bush or anything. Just something that reminds me that I’m performing cunnilingus on an adult. But I guess the larger question is why is the city of angels so hell bent on destroying its female population.

2.

Good morning Hell-A. In the land of the lotus eaters’ time plays tricks on you. One day you’re dreaming, the next your dream has become your reality. It was the best of times, if only someone had told me. Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned. My family goes on without me, while I drown in a sea of pointless pussy. I don’t know how I got here, but here I am, rotting away in the warm California sun. There are things I need to figure out, for her sake at least. The clock is ticking, the gap is widening. She won’t always love me no matter what.

1.

Dear Karen,

If you’re reading this it means I actually worked up the courage to mail it, so good for me. You don’t know me very well but if you get me started I have a tendency to go on and on about how hard the writing is for me. But this, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write.

There’s no easy way to say this so I’ll just say it, I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn’t looking for it, it wasn’t on the make, it was a perfect storm. She said one thing, I said another, next thing I knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there’s this feeling in my gut she might be the one. She’s completely nuts in a way that makes me smile, highly neurotic with a great deal of maintenance required, she is you, Karen. That’s the good news.

The bad is I don’t know how to be with you right now. And that scares the shit out of me. Because if I’m not with you right now, I have this feeling that we’ll get lost out there. It’s a big, bad world full of twists and turns. And people have a way of blinking and missing the moment. The moment that could have changed everything. I don’t know what’s going on with us, and I can’t tell you why you should waste the leap of faith on the likes of me, but damn you smell good. Like home. And you make excellent coffee. That’s got to count for something right?

Call me.

Unfaithfully yours,

Hank Moody.